The Best Thing to Happen to Brains Since Consciousness
April 15, 2008
The tide of Seraquel-induced side effects is rolling in. The beach is just out of reach, and the waves threaten to suck me under to drown me, wash me up, and send me off a Zombie. Luckily, I brought arm floaties, oblong white arm floaties, with Provigil on the side.
This pill gets popped by a surprising majority of the whack-jobs sufferers I associate with. Whats more surprising is the utter lack of complaints. I personally spend a great deal more time down than up. Take an average and it would seem pseudo-rational that the mood stabilizers hold me steady well below the functional threshold. They do. And Provigil, also known as Modafinil, takes that baseline and rockets it up to normalcy. It doles out clarity and energy with amphetaminic gusto, boasting no common side effects save headaches and nausea. Loved by all, Modafinil is so badass it claims its own fucking class of drugs: eugeroics*. I’m so inspired I composed a narrative to detail my experience:
The Appetite loss has not gone away, but he was lonely. Lamictal’s side effects must have hated him for the higher dose and ostracized him. Maybe he just thought he was too cool for them. Regardless, it was clear they hated each other. So he set about pulling together his own gang, invited fatigue and the ever endogamous Memory loss and Aphasia. Akisthisia (thanks alterego) came too. They kicked some ass and took Lamictal off the radar. Then things got ugly. Drunk with power and high on victory they turned on their their facilitator. They tried to commandeer my brain. Memory loss proved weak in battle. Hell, I hardly remembered he was there, but the verbal assault did to me what my inability to sit still does to everyone else. Pissed me the fuck off. The situation was dire, I was being zombified one neuron at a time. One of those fast zombies, that runs up and rips out your jugular. With my teeth. Just as I resigned myself to the one click purchase of “Brain Soufflés”, a coated crusader soared over the ridge and down the esophagus. He made short work of the cognitive impairments, reducing them to sniveling inconveniences. Then, in epic woo style hand-to-hand he wrested the focus knob from Aki and laid him out cold. Only appetite loss was spared the slaughter, switching sides in a last minute betrayal. The dust cleared, and there he stood, relief lettering catching the light. I didn’t know what to say, how to repay him. Of course he hadn’t killed them, superhero’s rarely do. He just locked them up to fight another day. He told me the best repayment was payment, and happily collected his ludicrous fee. Broke but at ease, I waited for my cookbook to arrive. Brains!
Anyway, Provigil is the sun to my brain fog. If you can stomach dropping $5 a pill, it comes highly recommended. If your frugal and patient there’s always Adrafinil, the $1 alternative which metabolizes into Modafnil. As an added bonus, unlike its Schedule IV big brother, it is available sans prescription at your favorite online pill pusher. But don’t take it if you don’t need it. The last thing I want is to inadvertently encourage a race of super-humans. Yes of course I’m jealous of your dizzying drug fueled intellects, but it’s mostly fear of the inevitable genocide you’ll visit on the inferior. Maybe this post was a bad idea. I’m going to buy a gun.
*it shares this distinction exclusively with siblings Adrafinil and the upcoming Armodafinil (Olmifon and Nuvigil, respectively)
